It makes sense, does it not?
by ex-LongLongHair
Summary: Here it is. Heaps of lines from the books that could be misconstrued all stitched together and marketed as a fic. Warning: Slash occurs...just not explicitly.


Disclaimer: This (plotless) story is based on an idea by J.K. Rowling, the rightful owner of all characters, places and names under copyright. Hermione Granger, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Severus Snape, Professor Quirrell, Argus Filch and any others mentioned are all trademarks of the Harry Potter series. No infringement is intended.

A/N: This is the kinkiest and most plotless bit of stuff I've ever written. It's composed mainly of lines from the actual Harry Potter books, just twisted a little and then a bit more…um. So I guess it'd be rated at least R, or closer to NC-17. But I've rated it R just because it's not actually explicit. *grin*

To his great relief, he found Ron was lying on his bed in the otherwise empty dormitory. Harry kept looking nervously over his shoulder. He had a nasty feeling they were being watched. Ron bit his lip. "Oh, all right," he snapped. "But Percy'd better not see us."

"Yes," said Harry, "The thing is - the thing is, I don't know how to-"

"Grip it tight. We don't want you falling off the end." Ron said. He pulled out a very battered looking wand. It was chipped in places and something white was glinting at the end. Harry grinned into his pillow, exceptionally glad that Ron couldn't see what he could. Harry shook his head, staring at the place where he'd seen movement. He slipped his hand inside his robes, reaching for his wand. He hastened to take it off, but it was knotted very tightly. Ron lay on the bed without moving, watching Harry struggle to remove it. He gripped the broom tightly with his hands and his knees. He'd never felt anything like that. Harry's broom was jerking up and down. "Whoops... my wand is a little over-excited", he said. He could feel it vibrating, and let go. His broom stick was still rising higher and higher. Ron snapped. Before he knew what was happening, Ron was on top of him. "How thick can you get?" Ron whispered ecstatically. "Oh, hurry up," Ron moaned, beside Harry. "This is it!" Harry felt heavy drops fall onto his face, splattering onto his glasses. "Yes!" Ron yelled, yanking Harry's arm into the air. "Yes! Yes!" 

Harry got to his feet. He was shaking and out of breath. Ron was standing there with his wand still raised, staring at what he had done.

"I didn't mean to," Ron said, while he roared with laughter. "I just -- lost control."

Harry smiled faintly. "It's okay." He rolled off the bed and scrabbled in his trunk, finally coming up with something with a lot of leather and quite a bit of metal. Tentatively, he held it up to Ron.

"You've got to be kidding," said Ron in disbelief. "I'm not wearing that, no way."

"Please?" Harry said, looking up at his friend, "Just this once?"

"Alright then, Harry. You wear your cloak." Ron said, chuckling.

As soon as they were in their respective outfits, they reconvened on the bed. Ron's eyes roved over the lightning scar on Harry's forehead, and his expression grew hungrier. One of the long spikes grazed Harry's shoulder, ripping his robes - He could feel it stinging, he could hear screaming and groans. Ron swayed and over balanced, and Harry caught him and pushed him back down to the bed.

"Come again?" said Ron

"No.," Harry called back, panting. He looked down at his leg. It was bleeding badly. He could see some sort of thick, gluey secretion.

Ron let out a low, despairing groan. 

'Are you OK?' Harry said urgently. 

'My wand,' said Ron, in a shaky voice. 'Look at my wand.' 

Ron looked at his wand, laying limply between his fingers "stupid, useless thing. Or you could use Dobby, Harry, I bet he'd do anything to help you. I'm not complaining or anything" - he got gingerly to his feet, rubbing his backside, - "But I'm aching all over...Don't forget to wipe it after you've used it."

Harry nodded and they fell asleep, exhausted.

***

Harry awoke very suddenly on the next day. Wondering what had caused his abrupt return to consciousness, he opened his eyes, and saw something with very large, round, green eyes staring back at him in the darkness. There was also another pair of eyes, a pair of brown eyes of similar size to the green ones. Harry realised who they were, but not what they were doing there. Then a phrase gave them away.

"Oh Dobby, you're a bad elf!" moaned Winky. She began to rock backwards and forwards on the ground, her breath coming in sharp bursts.

_"Dobby!" Harry yelled, scrambling away from the elf so fast he almost fell out of bed. "Don't do that!" If there was one thing that squicked him, it was house-elf sex. Human and house-elf was fine, but two of them together…it just didn't bear thinking about._

"Dobby is sorry, sir!" squeaked Dobby anxiously, jumping backwards with his long fingers over his mouth.

Winky lowered her voice by a half octave and whispered, "He is wanting paying for his work, sir." 

"Paying?" said Harry blankly. "Well - why shouldn't he be paid?"

"I is not doing it, sir!" Winky gasped, "I is not knowing how!"

"Dobby likes work, but he wants to wear clothes and he wants to be paid, Harry Potter" Dobby said again.

Harry shrugged, and dug out his money bag. He threw a handful of galleons at the elves on the floor. Instead of picking the money up, they each grabbed Harry around the legs and pressed their heads against him.

"Thank you, Harry Potter, thank you," said Dobby breathlessly, rubbing his head. 

"You just need a bit of practice," Harry said, as he smiled, and left the room. In the corridor, he found Ron and Hermione whispering.

"His head was so swollen."

"You won't have to do all the work this time, Hermione. I'll help."

Hermione now said something that Harry didn't catch. However, Ron's next outburst was so loud Harry was sure that all of Gryffindor, if not the entire student and teacher bodies at Hogwarts heard it.

"Hermione, will you give it a rest with the elf!" said Ron.

Harry walked over to the arguing couple. "Hi," he said, "How are things?"

"Oh, not too bad." Ron said. "Quite spiffing, in fact."

Harry grumbled darkly at Ron and Hermione.

"What's up your arse, Potter?" Hermione asked playfully. Ron sniggered and punched Harry in the arm.

"Well, you're the one who's supposed to be researching magical methods of bugging!" said Harry, "You tell me how she did it!"

Hermione smiled. "D'you want to try again tonight?"

***

Harry was eagerly anticipating the night's activity…not just Ron, but Hermione as well. However, there was a bit of schoolwork he had to get through first.

Walking back from the library on his own that afternoon, he heard somebody whimpering from a classroom up ahead. As he drew closer, he heard Quirrell's voice. 

"... d-don't know why you wanted t-t-to meet here of all p-places, Severus ..." 

"Oh, I thought we'd keep this private," said Snape.

Harry looked in the room and a horrible sight met his eyes... Snape and Filch were in the room, alone…however, he was _sure he had heard Quirrell's voice. Harry slipped on his cloak and stayed to watch._

"No - no - not again, please -"

And then a different voice: "Yes, master," it moaned, "please, master... please..."

Could it be Filch? Or Quirrell? And who was doing what? Harry crept into the room. He watched breathlessly from a desk in the corner. It appeared that Filch, Quirrell and Snape were all in the room, just that Filch was hidden by the teacher's desk. It was quite hot under his cloak, and so Harry had to wipe his forehead several times, he was sweating that much. Unfortunately, his cloak slipped…and his face was revealed to the three teachers in the room.

Quirrell lunged, knocking Harry clean off his feet, landing on top of him. "What are you doing here?" he said, pinning Harry to the ground. Harry felt Quirrell's legs imprisoning him.

"I can't move, Professor…please." Harry said, squirming. He managed to partially roll over, so his legs were entangled in Professor Quirrell's. "I see you flinch when you look at me, feel you shudder when you touch me." Quirrell said, smiling nastily, his foul breath blasting over Harry's face.

"Ah, just how I like 'em." Snape said, his silky voice gliding over Harry. 

Harry wasn't sure exactly who Snape was talking to at this point – Filch was still chained up with some ancient handcuffs, and Quirrell was still trying to smother him – and what was that thing poking into his leg? Harry suddenly realised, and was revolted. At the same time, he also realised that his body was still enveloped in his Invisibility Cloak. He slid out of it, managing to tie Quirrell up in the process.

Snape cackled. "Thank you, boy, for saving me the trouble."

Harry stared wildly at the scene in front of him. Snape smiled. "I should have let him take you!" he said, smiling at Harry predatorily. Running as fast as he could, Harry exited the room.

"Damn." Snape swore. "That's the fourth time this week!"

***

Harry and Ron were a little late to their planned tryst with Hermione in the first floor bathrooms that night, owing to a short encounter with Malfoy on the way.

"Where on earth have you all been?" she asked, looking at their dressing-gowns hanging off their shoulder and their flushed, sweaty faces.

"Sorry, we…had a slight delay on the way here." Ron said, his ears turning red.

Hermione sighed. "It was Draco again, wasn't it?" she said, leaning against a stall.

Harry and Ron hung their heads in acknowledgement.

"I understand. Natural to want a bit more once you've had the first taste -- and I blame myself for giving you that..." Hermione trailed off. "Well, best to be on with it." She said saucily, "By the way, Harry… Ron was so impressed at the way you had managed to stay on his bucking broomstick..." she snickered. "Will you be as skilled tonight?"

Hermione dropped her robes and Ron backed into the sink. "Aw, is ickle Ronniekins scared?" Hermione purred. "Maybe you've got to attack him while he's in the shower, Harry?"

Harry laughed. "The thought had occurred."

"You're in for a rough night." She said to the both of them.

"D'you want me to…?" Ron let the question hang in the air, as he fiddled with the sink.

"I'm not asking you to help!" Hermione snapped. "I'll do it on my own!"

"Okay, okay!" Ron said, as he scrabbled in his pockets for something. "Dammit," he said, "Where is the damn thing?"

Harry shrugged. "I'll help anyway. Come on," he hissed, swerving tantalizingly above her, "come on, come and get me...up you get now. ."

"Ready?" he whispered to Hermione. "You'd better hold on to me."

Hermione sighed. "No - really - I don't think I'll come. You two hurry up, you're wasting time." She said, and gestured for Harry and Ron to continue.

"I'm not as good as you," said Harry, very embarrassed, as she let go of him, and moved down lower. He was glad she held herself in as his head was still very sore after the night before.

Ron, meanwhile, had found Scabbers. "Keep that big bushy head down, Granger," he said, watching amusedly.

And then, at last, after over an hour..."Here we come!" Hermione whispered. She let out a great sigh and Harry, amazed, saw that she was smiling, the very last thing he felt like doing. "Wow, Hermione", Harry whispered. Ron grunted as well, and threw himself onto his stomach and, with great difficulty, pulled Scabbers out by the tail.

Hermione got up off her knees and smiled triumphantly at the other two. ""You'd better hurry up and put your robes on." she said, as she walked out of the girls' bathrooms, fully clothed.

Hope you enjoyed it.


End file.
